Christmas Without Her

(Happy Birthday…) Jesus, today is tough as hell!! The past few days were hard as well, seeing women that I was pregnant with celebrating Christmas time with their babies.

It’s not really like I can talk to anybody today about this empty spot I have in my heart because today is supposed to be such a joyous, happy, and blah blah blah day.

Well, you know what, I’m just not feeling it! Today was supposed to be Gianna’s first Christmas and in just four days she would be nine months old. The cute little Christmas outfit I bought her earlier this year will never be worn. It is still hung in my closet. A tiny rose gold taffeta skirt and glittery rose gold Mary Janes. With an adorable matching shirt with a golden deer with antlers that is printed with the words “Ohh Deer!”. Ohh how I pictured it on her just 9 months ago, envisioning her crawling around and so happy while she celebrated her first Christmas. She will never get to wear it.

365 days days ago she was warm and cozy in my belly while we took advantage of all the Christmas sales as we shopped for her first year of clothes and necessities. Never imagining for minute that they would never touch her beautiful skin.

While her three sibling have already witnessed the splendors of Christmas morning, open the gifts that Santa left, and left for a relatives Christmas dinner. My heart is broken into a million pieces and feel like I’m on this road alone, no one understands my pain and what I’m feeling today and certainly not a soul to talk to about it. It’s such a heavy burden to carry alone, I feel that even those who were involved have moved on. Not that I would even want to call these people and “bring them down” with my seemingly never ending grief. And the rest of the world has just gone about it’s frivolous spending,  self-centeredness, and fake smiles. While I am sat here alone with 3rd glass of wine, praying that my baby girl come back to me, if only in my dreams.

It’s all that I have room in my heart to ask for this lonely Christmas Day.

Merry First Christmas in Heaven baby girl, I hope your Christmas up there is everything and more than we could have given you here!

**Thank you so much Aunt Penni for this beautiful Christmas gift, it means the world to me today!! I love you!**

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6 months & a Lifetime.


It hurts just as bad today as it did on March 30, 2016.
I’m just better at hiding it now, for the sake of other people…to make them more comfortable. Cause God knows it hasn’t gotten easier, I’ve just adapted.
My mind hurts, my body hurts, my heart and soul still ache.

Today my sweet girl would have been 6 months old.

All these stuffed animals that sit atop my bedroom mantle would be played with by her, instead gathering dust.
Most of the cute clothes that still hang in the back of my closet she would have already grown out of.
She would be getting her first tooth and would be drooling all over everything in sight.
She would have been sitting up and already saying “dada” which I know would have made JR the happiest man on the planet.
If she’s anything like her oldest sister she will start walking soon and would hear those little feet pitter-pattering all around the house

I really don’t think that people understand what it means to lose a baby.
Yes she was only 1 day old. But I also lost the 6 month old that she would be today.
I will lose the little girl with big brown eyes and bouncy curls turning one year old.
I will lose the 5 year old starting kindergarten and losing her first tooth.
I will lose the 8 year old needing help with her homework.
I will lose the 13 year old who is sick and still wants to cuddle with her mama.
I will lose the 16 year old learning to drive.
I will 18 year old leaving for college.
I will lose her getting married and having a baby.

We lost it all.
And I will continue to lose her every minute of my life.
But I also must remember that nothing in the life is truly mine.
Everything belongs to Him. And though we already know we can lose anything at any moment, that will never prepare us…we still will grieve forever.

We love you sweet Gigi!


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Ten things I didn’t want to hear when my baby died.


I’ve been working on this exact post for a couple months.
JR and I had a “laugh” about the things people say that weren’t well though out a couple weeks after she passed, albeit through teary eyes….but we had a bonding moment through our grief. Coming together and connecting the ignorant outside world, somehow, to our dark world that was falling in around us. Somehow this gave me a glimpse of what was going out outside of my bedroom. My room that I kept dark with heavy drapes to keep out any glimmer of happiness, of sunlight, or of hope.
While that definitely wasn’t a turning point in my grief (is there one?!?) it was a moment what sticks out to me, in the depths of hell, that we bonded. A moment that I wasn’t balling my eyes out and wishing to go to heaven so I could hold my baby girl, the first moment that I didn’t feel like a messy sobbing burden to him but like an equal, someone who in fact *was* experiencing the same thing and feeling the same way. Even though the previous couple weeks we certainly had different ways of dealing with it my tears and sorrows suddenly felt normal and accepted by him. It was then that I knew then he felt the same way I felt and was dealing with others the same way I was.
(Just let me add…”You’re young, you’ll have another” – if you lost a parent would you feel this way?? You can alway have a stepmom, right?? 🙄🙄)

God bless all you folks for you know not what you say. Most of the time there are positive intentions behind it but, for future reference, we would rather you say nothing at all. Seriously a hug or “you’re in my prayer’s” holds INCREDIBLE weight!
Pray for us and our families in this difficult time.
Just pray.



“At least you can get pregnant.”

This is no comfort when my pregnancy ended without a child to hold. When you think of being pregnant you never imagine the aftermath consisting of empty arms and a heavy heart. Seeing two pink lines or the word “pregnant” on a test, doesn’t comfort me now I haven’t got the baby I envisioned to hold.

“At least you have Aurora and Tobias.”

Of course I am grateful for the two children I have living but they are not the baby I’ve just lost and as harsh as it may sound, they don’t make it okay either. There are people out there who don’t have any children to focus on when they experience the loss of a child, I understand that but it doesn’t take away the fact I have lost a child. I have lost a lifetime of birthdays, milestones and memories. The children I have are not the child/ren I have lost.

“God needed another Angel.”

It wasn’t until very recently in my life that I have discovered the church and have started on my journey with God. However, even if I had, it wouldn’t have made it any easier hearing this, how would you feel if God decided your child was the Angel he needed? Yeah, exactly.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Maybe true, but it doesn’t take away my pain or heartache. It doesn’t change the fact that I STILL LOST MY BABY. It’s just a reminder that I’ll probably never know the reason I lost my child. I don’t care that “everything happens for a reason,” or what that reason was, no matter what – it’s a fucking shitty reason.

“You’ll have a real baby.”

Fuck off, MY baby was/is a real baby! Just because I didn’t get to raise him, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t a “real baby” – was it all just a figment of my imagination?! I THINK NOT.

“At least you weren’t further gone.”

Whilst my heart is so heavy for people who have lost their baby at full term or neonatally, IT DOESN’T TAKE MY PAIN AWAY. Losing a baby at whatever gestation is still that, loosing a baby. No parent should ever outlive their child, whether the child was an embryo, a fetus, newborn or a freaking adult. IT STILL HURTS, there is no “at least.” I lost MY child.

“I would have called but I didn’t know what to say.”

You know what? Right now I’m struggling for words too but I’m still here and whether you know what to say or not, its nice to know I’m not alone. I’m not a disease, I’m not contagious, I’m just hurting. Come for a cup of tea and if I need to talk, listen to me. If I don’t need to talk, just be there. That’s all I need. Its awful lonely having an empty womb where your future once lived. There is nothing wrong with silence.

“Next time…”

Don’t assume I’m going to just replace my baby with another pregnancy, chances are it’s the last thing on my mind right now. Maybe I don’t want another baby? Maybe this is where my journey to being a mother ends? It certainly feels that way right now. It’s not for you to assume. “Next time” isn’t important right now and wont make me feel any excitement, I’m hurting for now.

“Times a healer.”

THIS IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT. “Time” hasn’t healed me and it certainly hasn’t lessened the pain. Granted, overtime I learnt new ways to grieve and channel my emotions towards my loss but whether it’s been a week, a month or a year, my heart is still broken and there will forever be a piece missing. Time wont change that, my journey with grief has just helped me cope.

“Maybe it’s just not the right time.”

FOR WHO?! Because, to be honest, when I decided I was ready for another baby and it was time to start trying, I’m pretty sure I evaluated how we would manage, financially, realistically and emotionally. I’m pretty sure I decided it was the right time. I’m pretty sure that decision is really only down to me seeing as it is my life. Is there even a right time? I don’t know and I don’t care. I decided this was the right time and right now you making me question my decision on that IS NOT HELPING.

Please note: These are my views and how I felt, please don’t feel like I’m trying to talk on behalf of everyone who has lost a child. The loss of a child is very individual, as individual as the child you’ve lost and what might help one person, may hurt another. Please feel free to add your own to the comments.


I have lost my share of babies. In fact, it often feels like I’ve lost everyone’s share of babies. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage according to statistics, SO WHY ON EARTH DID TWO THIRDS OF MINE END IN A LOSS?!

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Liquid Gold

What I wouldn’t give to have my little girl in my arms and snuggled up to my bosom right now.To have her feeding from my breast, being filled with the perfect meal that God and I have created just for her.

Shortly before she passed I pumped for her for the first and last time. In hopes that she would feed and allow the wholeness and restorative benefits of my milk give her strength to overcome. To give her those extra vitamins, minerals, and immunity to allow her to pull through.

A couple days after she passed my milk really came it. It was a very annoying reminder that she had died. That she was not here to enjoy me filling her tummy and putting her to sleep. 

Soaking through bras and shirts if I forgot to ball up toilet paper and shove it in my shirt. I was constantly reminded to her absence. 

Now I am on the other end of the spectrum. My milk production has drastically declined. Expected since there is no demand for it. This is also very hard for me. It is now a constant reminder that she is not here. That she is not in need of my body. She doesn’t need my milk. She doesn’t need me. And my body knows this.

But nearly 7 weeks since she passed and though others have, my body still has not forgotten that she was once here. She existed. She was formed in my womb and growing in my body, under my care, for 28 weeks and one day. I have always taken care of her, given her everything she needed to survive.

She never wanted for anything. 

Even now, in death, I still give my all to her.

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One Month

You would have turned one month old today.We would have celebrated your little mile stone in the NICU, just as we would have celebrated each week before.

I would have been at the hospital every day the past 30 days, changing you, dressing you, feeding you. 

The kids would have helped me to decorate your incubator with photos of your daddy and I, drawings from your siblings, a pretty sign with your beautiful name on it. (A very special name that daddy and I took months to come up with)

Not too long ago I would have started kangaroo care, holding you against my bare chest, your little curl covered head resting over my heart, comforted by each beat. Reminding you of the warm and cozy time spent in mommys belly, when you heard the same pulsating rhythm from inside of me.

The doctor and I would be discussing the things you would be working on in order to get you home in the next couple weeks. 

Suckling, maintaining body temperature, jaundice. But I know you’re strong, a fighter, this would be nothing for you.

Your room would be ready for you when you got home. All your blankets, and stuffed animals from your brother and sisters, your art work and pretty crib would be the same place it was the day you were born.  Instead of now being stowed away in the dark and dusty attic.

I miss you every day, and while this past week has been especially difficult I can’t help but think about how our lives would be so different if you were still here with us. What our schedule would be every day, the things you would like, the sound of you cooing, the sweet way you would cuddle curled in my arms sleeping with me, and how cute you would look while you slept.

I know this will continue and possibly get harder sometimes, especially when your birthday comes around. I’ll try to hold back my tears baby girl, but that is something that I’ve never been very good at. Just know when you see me cry, my tears are my love for you. 

And they will never run out.

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Beautiful Things

 Today was bittersweet.

A mix of emotions.

Sad that she is gone but glad to have her home.

She near us for me to talk to when I think about her, for her brother and sisters to talk to and hold. Today I have her home, near us every day, while it may be on our mantel and not safe in her bassinet like I would like, I have her home. It’s the path we’ve been given to walk and no matter how bumpy and broken and terrifying it is, we must walk it.

So today I’ll take my baby girl into my hands and smile knowing though her body is with me, her beautiful soul is in heaven waiting for Mommy to come take her hand so we can continue the walk down our path.


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Smiles and Sunbeams

I wish I had done more for her, seen the signs, spoke up. It’s my job to protect her, that’s my only job. Sometimes I feel like failed her, her father, her siblings. But I know I can’t think like that, it will get me nowhere but a deep and dark hole. 

I know we miss them terribly but we can’t beat ourselves up. I like to think that they are smiling down from heaven happy that we can be strong, happy when we smile thinking about them, happy when we reminisce on their ninja kicks in our belly, happy that even though we would have liked for their time with us to be longer, meeting them was the best day of our life.💗

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I Grieve Because I Love You

  In the short three weeks since I lost the most precious piece of my heart I have learned a bit about grieving. I have learned that it’s a long road and it changes daily. That no one grieves the same and that it can creep up on you at any moment. But I couldn’t have explained it as well as Pastor Bob Guffey Jr:

Grief Has No Rules: Some Sentences about Grief

Robert W Guffey Jr

April 20, 2016 

I wrote these sentences to share in closing at a funeral recently and was asked to pass them along. You’ve likely heard something like this but, if you are like me, reminders are helpful. Grace and peace, 

As you go from this place, please remember that grief has no rules, and that is okay. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You will read about cycles of grief and phases of grief, but, in practical reality, there are no rules. That is the truth. There are many different feelings that will pass through you, some more intense than others, but just because you have felt one way for a while, then feel a change that prompts you to think, “Oh good, I am done with that,” do not be surprised when, on her birthday, or yours, five years from now, you feel odd and unsettled. Just as you wonder what is going on with you, your soul will remind you – “Oh, yes. Hello, Grief.” Grief will be, as one of my pastor-friends wrote in the season after both our mothers had died, your “most unexpected companion.” 

Grief is real and a sign of love. Most of us do not grieve those we have not loved. Because that is true, perhaps we can see grief as a gift as it reminds us, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely, of love. 

Grief, because it is a sign of love, can become a cause for gratitude for it prompts us to remember what was best about the person’s life and to thank God that her life continues in manifold ways in God and in those who loved her. 

Grief can become a way we honor those we have lost. Doing the hard work of grieving and not running from it is a way of saying the person mattered, the loss matters, and our desire to heal matters, too. 

Grief tells us we are human, but being human is who God created us to be – and only a little lower than the angels. 
It is okay to grieve as we celebrate. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the one we have loved. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the healing that has come to her. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the gift from God she was, and is. 
We thank God for those we love and have lost.

We thank God for today.

We thank God for the life to come. 
In all things today, let us say:

Thanks be to God.

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Run Away With Me

All I want to do is run.

It’s been a long 3 weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born, 22 days to be exact. So I’m not able to run my frustration and anger away. But believe me, when I’m able to get out there to the park and let my feet hit the pavement that’s exactly what I will be doing. I know it will help me so much – time alone, time to think, time to exert some of this energy.  Processing the hurt and releasing some of the pain.

Nothing sounds better then letting all my thoughts and feelings and loneliness drip out through each pore. Allowing my body to cry as my eyes have been, it’s seems they’re never out of tears. The pain in my chest with each deep breath, a constant stitch in my side, the ache in my thighs almost reaching the raw ache of my heart as I finally culminate my run.

I’m a glutton for punishment so this all sounds perfect to me. Giving me a sense of being alive. But also the feeling of pain much like the feeling of grief we must endure. For we are earthy humans and not yet heavenly angels.

I look forward to this private time with Gianna, with a God, and with nature. I look forward to the healing it will bring me. Speaking to them both, without saying a word. Letting them into my thoughts, letting them speak to me. Allowing me to comfort her, God to comfort me, and letting me find some peace and strength hidden in this loneliness, allowing me to quietly search for any sense hidden within this unnecessary madness. Though mostly peace and guidance to help the others, her father, her sisters and brother. To help guide them, to be their support, to teach them how to comfort and be there for each other. For Jesus himself grieved and responded to the grief and loss of those around him. This will allow me to show strength and help me feel in control again.

But until then, until I can run, I will write.

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Our Angel Baby

After the passing of our daughter late last night I remembered that some of my photographer friends also shoot babies who are sick or have passed.I remembered someone specifically and contacted her this afternoon. Kennisha Fisher came right away to take some touching photos of our little Gianna, something to pull out of her memory box and remember the all too brief time that we held her in our arms. She’s wearing the burial gown and bonnet that was given to us by Threads of Love in the hospital. 

I think she is perfect. Our perfect Angel Baby.

Thank you so much Kennisha for capturing her in this moment, a moment that we will hold forever in your hearts.❤️

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