Monthly Archives: May 2017

I’m Sorry

I let you down, I know I did.

Both of you, all of you.

I wish I could have done something to save her, anything. But all I did was sit there, not doing anything & not knowing what was wrong.

Not believing what would happen.

It was the happiest I had ever seen you, even to this day. All I heard was that this was all you had ever wanted. And how you wouldn’t pick anyone else in the world to be your child’s mother, I was perfect.
We were perfect.

This was perfect.

Coming to the hospital while I was in labor to see our daughter. You expected to see this beautiful little girl, with her pretty brown curls, wrapped in her blanket and pink hat.

I let you down.

The first time you saw her was dying in the NICU, after the doctor has already began her end.
Not knowing what was happening to her, and I was sure that my prayers would “work”, All I could think about was how mad you must be at me to have allowed this happy moment to be ripped from you.

I let her down. I didn’t save her.

I let you down. I didn’t save her. Our sweet baby girl.

I didn’t save us.

The “I should have…” and “If I had only…” thought invade every thought of her, of us. Maybe if I had only done this one thing, or said this one thing, then you would be running around the house with your gmfirst born child right now.

The past year this has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. How could I ever be good enough again, how could I ever make you happy again? I let your daughter, who, as a mother, I was supposed to protect and do anything I can to protect, die.
Every fight, every disagreement…this is what I feel like it comes down to. I’m not worthy of either of you. And I have tried the past year to do whatever I can to make it up to you.
It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t possible either.

We both hold resentment for the whole situation. I allowed her to be taken.

I crushed your dreams & you (we) haven’t been the same since. Every day all I see is black and white, no matter how I try to hide it, I’m destroyed at the pain I’ve seen you both go though, the pain I feel I could have prevented.

My precious child, I’m sorry I couldn’t save your life.

My love, I’m sorry I couldn’t save us.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,