Monthly Archives: June 2017

All My Angels


I was shocked on Valentine’s Day to learn that I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it. A part of grieving is that you are very cautious and unbelieving when something happens that could make you relive the initial thing that caused you grief.

I wasn’t going to believe it until the doctor told me it was true. Til I had. A healthy baby in my arms and in my home. My “true” was my doctor locating a gestational sac on my uterus. Telling me that everything looked great.

My hCG levels were lower than with Gianna but still rising all the same. Of course I was skeptical and worried, with worst-case and scenario, in my mind, being the end all be all.

They were rising… until they started dropping. And then the spotting. After a trip to the ER at six weeks pregnant they showed that I was still pregnant and my endometrial lining was still thick. It was classified as a impending or possible miscarriage. Which any bleeding during pregnancy is classified as that. 

My hCG went up, my hCG went down, my hCG went up and then down again. I got jabbed about 15 times during this pregnancy. Every 2 to 3 days for two months. 

Back to the ER several times for cramping. I started to spot again – the dr determined that my uterus was now empty and I had lost the baby . 

I went on accepting the fact that I had lost the baby. At around 8 weeks.

Then I had extreme abdominal pain to where I couldn’t even move, on the floor screaming in pain. And alone. I called 911.

At my trip back to the ER they determined that I was indeed still pregnant, I had another baby. I’m my Fallopian tube. That tube was now starting to rupture and cause internal bleeding into my abdominal cavity which was making me experience extreme pain. It was an early rupture and was going to get worse. My options were surgery or methotrexate shot. (Chemotherapy)

I opted for the shot. It made me so ill I couldn’t even make it home without pulling over on the side of the highway to vomit. I drove home and laid on the bathroom floor getting sick all night.

It was a few more weeks before I actually passed the second baby. That did not happen until I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant, on March 29, 2017. The first birthday of Gianna. I know that our baby girl came to take her little brother or sister home with her. I hope they are at peace and know they looking down on us and waiting for us to come home.

The pain is with me every day, I smile through it and occupy my mind with other things. I smile and “play nice”. But I walk in my grief every day, even when no one else does. Even though I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I’m “over it”, It has become part of me and is constantly being added to. I’ve come to accept that.

This is my grief, this is my life.