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6 months & a Lifetime.

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It hurts just as bad today as it did on March 30, 2016.
I’m just better at hiding it now, for the sake of other people…to make them more comfortable. Cause God knows it hasn’t gotten easier, I’ve just adapted.
My mind hurts, my body hurts, my heart and soul still ache.

Today my sweet girl would have been 6 months old.

All these stuffed animals that sit atop my bedroom mantle would be played with by her, instead gathering dust.
Most of the cute clothes that still hang in the back of my closet she would have already grown out of.
She would be getting her first tooth and would be drooling all over everything in sight.
She would have been sitting up and already saying “dada” which I know would have made JR the happiest man on the planet.
If she’s anything like her oldest sister she will start walking soon and would hear those little feet pitter-pattering all around the house

I really don’t think that people understand what it means to lose a baby.
Yes she was only 1 day old. But I also lost the 6 month old that she would be today.
I will lose the little girl with big brown eyes and bouncy curls turning one year old.
I will lose the 5 year old starting kindergarten and losing her first tooth.
I will lose the 8 year old needing help with her homework.
I will lose the 13 year old who is sick and still wants to cuddle with her mama.
I will lose the 16 year old learning to drive.
I will 18 year old leaving for college.
I will lose her getting married and having a baby.

We lost it all.
And I will continue to lose her every minute of my life.
But I also must remember that nothing in the life is truly mine.
Everything belongs to Him. And though we already know we can lose anything at any moment, that will never prepare us…we still will grieve forever.

We love you sweet Gigi!

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Ten things I didn’t want to hear when my baby died.

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I’ve been working on this exact post for a couple months.
JR and I had a “laugh” about the things people say that weren’t well though out a couple weeks after she passed, albeit through teary eyes….but we had a bonding moment through our grief. Coming together and connecting the ignorant outside world, somehow, to our dark world that was falling in around us. Somehow this gave me a glimpse of what was going out outside of my bedroom. My room that I kept dark with heavy drapes to keep out any glimmer of happiness, of sunlight, or of hope.
While that definitely wasn’t a turning point in my grief (is there one?!?) it was a moment what sticks out to me, in the depths of hell, that we bonded. A moment that I wasn’t balling my eyes out and wishing to go to heaven so I could hold my baby girl, the first moment that I didn’t feel like a messy sobbing burden to him but like an equal, someone who in fact *was* experiencing the same thing and feeling the same way. Even though the previous couple weeks we certainly had different ways of dealing with it my tears and sorrows suddenly felt normal and accepted by him. It was then that I knew then he felt the same way I felt and was dealing with others the same way I was.
(Just let me add…”You’re young, you’ll have another” – if you lost a parent would you feel this way?? You can alway have a stepmom, right?? 🙄🙄)

God bless all you folks for you know not what you say. Most of the time there are positive intentions behind it but, for future reference, we would rather you say nothing at all. Seriously a hug or “you’re in my prayer’s” holds INCREDIBLE weight!
Pray for us and our families in this difficult time.
Just pray.

 

***

“At least you can get pregnant.”

This is no comfort when my pregnancy ended without a child to hold. When you think of being pregnant you never imagine the aftermath consisting of empty arms and a heavy heart. Seeing two pink lines or the word “pregnant” on a test, doesn’t comfort me now I haven’t got the baby I envisioned to hold.

“At least you have Aurora and Tobias.”

Of course I am grateful for the two children I have living but they are not the baby I’ve just lost and as harsh as it may sound, they don’t make it okay either. There are people out there who don’t have any children to focus on when they experience the loss of a child, I understand that but it doesn’t take away the fact I have lost a child. I have lost a lifetime of birthdays, milestones and memories. The children I have are not the child/ren I have lost.

“God needed another Angel.”

It wasn’t until very recently in my life that I have discovered the church and have started on my journey with God. However, even if I had, it wouldn’t have made it any easier hearing this, how would you feel if God decided your child was the Angel he needed? Yeah, exactly.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Maybe true, but it doesn’t take away my pain or heartache. It doesn’t change the fact that I STILL LOST MY BABY. It’s just a reminder that I’ll probably never know the reason I lost my child. I don’t care that “everything happens for a reason,” or what that reason was, no matter what – it’s a fucking shitty reason.

“You’ll have a real baby.”

Fuck off, MY baby was/is a real baby! Just because I didn’t get to raise him, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t a “real baby” – was it all just a figment of my imagination?! I THINK NOT.

“At least you weren’t further gone.”

Whilst my heart is so heavy for people who have lost their baby at full term or neonatally, IT DOESN’T TAKE MY PAIN AWAY. Losing a baby at whatever gestation is still that, loosing a baby. No parent should ever outlive their child, whether the child was an embryo, a fetus, newborn or a freaking adult. IT STILL HURTS, there is no “at least.” I lost MY child.

“I would have called but I didn’t know what to say.”

You know what? Right now I’m struggling for words too but I’m still here and whether you know what to say or not, its nice to know I’m not alone. I’m not a disease, I’m not contagious, I’m just hurting. Come for a cup of tea and if I need to talk, listen to me. If I don’t need to talk, just be there. That’s all I need. Its awful lonely having an empty womb where your future once lived. There is nothing wrong with silence.

“Next time…”

Don’t assume I’m going to just replace my baby with another pregnancy, chances are it’s the last thing on my mind right now. Maybe I don’t want another baby? Maybe this is where my journey to being a mother ends? It certainly feels that way right now. It’s not for you to assume. “Next time” isn’t important right now and wont make me feel any excitement, I’m hurting for now.

“Times a healer.”

THIS IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT. “Time” hasn’t healed me and it certainly hasn’t lessened the pain. Granted, overtime I learnt new ways to grieve and channel my emotions towards my loss but whether it’s been a week, a month or a year, my heart is still broken and there will forever be a piece missing. Time wont change that, my journey with grief has just helped me cope.

“Maybe it’s just not the right time.”

FOR WHO?! Because, to be honest, when I decided I was ready for another baby and it was time to start trying, I’m pretty sure I evaluated how we would manage, financially, realistically and emotionally. I’m pretty sure I decided it was the right time. I’m pretty sure that decision is really only down to me seeing as it is my life. Is there even a right time? I don’t know and I don’t care. I decided this was the right time and right now you making me question my decision on that IS NOT HELPING.

Please note: These are my views and how I felt, please don’t feel like I’m trying to talk on behalf of everyone who has lost a child. The loss of a child is very individual, as individual as the child you’ve lost and what might help one person, may hurt another. Please feel free to add your own to the comments.

CherTrudy

I have lost my share of babies. In fact, it often feels like I’ve lost everyone’s share of babies. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage according to statistics, SO WHY ON EARTH DID TWO THIRDS OF MINE END IN A LOSS?!

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I Grieve Because I Love You

  In the short three weeks since I lost the most precious piece of my heart I have learned a bit about grieving. I have learned that it’s a long road and it changes daily. That no one grieves the same and that it can creep up on you at any moment. But I couldn’t have explained it as well as Pastor Bob Guffey Jr:

Grief Has No Rules: Some Sentences about Grief

Robert W Guffey Jr

April 20, 2016 

I wrote these sentences to share in closing at a funeral recently and was asked to pass them along. You’ve likely heard something like this but, if you are like me, reminders are helpful. Grace and peace, 

As you go from this place, please remember that grief has no rules, and that is okay. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You will read about cycles of grief and phases of grief, but, in practical reality, there are no rules. That is the truth. There are many different feelings that will pass through you, some more intense than others, but just because you have felt one way for a while, then feel a change that prompts you to think, “Oh good, I am done with that,” do not be surprised when, on her birthday, or yours, five years from now, you feel odd and unsettled. Just as you wonder what is going on with you, your soul will remind you – “Oh, yes. Hello, Grief.” Grief will be, as one of my pastor-friends wrote in the season after both our mothers had died, your “most unexpected companion.” 

Grief is real and a sign of love. Most of us do not grieve those we have not loved. Because that is true, perhaps we can see grief as a gift as it reminds us, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely, of love. 

Grief, because it is a sign of love, can become a cause for gratitude for it prompts us to remember what was best about the person’s life and to thank God that her life continues in manifold ways in God and in those who loved her. 

Grief can become a way we honor those we have lost. Doing the hard work of grieving and not running from it is a way of saying the person mattered, the loss matters, and our desire to heal matters, too. 

Grief tells us we are human, but being human is who God created us to be – and only a little lower than the angels. 
It is okay to grieve as we celebrate. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the one we have loved. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the healing that has come to her. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the gift from God she was, and is. 
We thank God for those we love and have lost.

We thank God for today.

We thank God for the life to come. 
In all things today, let us say:

Thanks be to God.

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Run Away With Me

All I want to do is run.

It’s been a long 3 weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born, 22 days to be exact. So I’m not able to run my frustration and anger away. But believe me, when I’m able to get out there to the park and let my feet hit the pavement that’s exactly what I will be doing. I know it will help me so much – time alone, time to think, time to exert some of this energy.  Processing the hurt and releasing some of the pain.

Nothing sounds better then letting all my thoughts and feelings and loneliness drip out through each pore. Allowing my body to cry as my eyes have been, it’s seems they’re never out of tears. The pain in my chest with each deep breath, a constant stitch in my side, the ache in my thighs almost reaching the raw ache of my heart as I finally culminate my run.

I’m a glutton for punishment so this all sounds perfect to me. Giving me a sense of being alive. But also the feeling of pain much like the feeling of grief we must endure. For we are earthy humans and not yet heavenly angels.

I look forward to this private time with Gianna, with a God, and with nature. I look forward to the healing it will bring me. Speaking to them both, without saying a word. Letting them into my thoughts, letting them speak to me. Allowing me to comfort her, God to comfort me, and letting me find some peace and strength hidden in this loneliness, allowing me to quietly search for any sense hidden within this unnecessary madness. Though mostly peace and guidance to help the others, her father, her sisters and brother. To help guide them, to be their support, to teach them how to comfort and be there for each other. For Jesus himself grieved and responded to the grief and loss of those around him. This will allow me to show strength and help me feel in control again.

But until then, until I can run, I will write.

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