Tag Archives: Birth

Christmas Without Her


(Happy Birthday…) Jesus, today is tough as hell!! The past few days were hard as well, seeing women that I was pregnant with celebrating Christmas time with their babies.

It’s not really like I can talk to anybody today about this empty spot I have in my heart because today is supposed to be such a joyous, happy, and blah blah blah day.

Well, you know what, I’m just not feeling it! Today was supposed to be Gianna’s first Christmas and in just four days she would be nine months old. The cute little Christmas outfit I bought her earlier this year will never be worn. It is still hung in my closet. A tiny rose gold taffeta skirt and glittery rose gold Mary Janes. With an adorable matching shirt with a golden deer with antlers that is printed with the words “Ohh Deer!”. Ohh how I pictured it on her just 9 months ago, envisioning her crawling around and so happy while she celebrated her first Christmas. She will never get to wear it.

365 days days ago she was warm and cozy in my belly while we took advantage of all the Christmas sales as we shopped for her first year of clothes and necessities. Never imagining for minute that they would never touch her beautiful skin.

While her three sibling have already witnessed the splendors of Christmas morning, open the gifts that Santa left, and left for a relatives Christmas dinner. My heart is broken into a million pieces and feel like I’m on this road alone, no one understands my pain and what I’m feeling today and certainly not a soul to talk to about it. It’s such a heavy burden to carry alone, I feel that even those who were involved have moved on. Not that I would even want to call these people and “bring them down” with my seemingly never ending grief. And the rest of the world has just gone about it’s frivolous spending,  self-centeredness, and fake smiles. While I am sat here alone with 3rd glass of wine, praying that my baby girl come back to me, if only in my dreams.

It’s all that I have room in my heart to ask for this lonely Christmas Day.

Merry First Christmas in Heaven baby girl, I hope your Christmas up there is everything and more than we could have given you here!

**Thank you so much Aunt Penni for this beautiful Christmas gift, it means the world to me today!! I love you!**

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Gianna My Love


Those of you who know me, really know me, were so excited a couple weeks ago when JR and I announced that were expecting a child in a couple months.Just entering my 28th week of pregnancy I was shocked when my water broke at work yesterday afternoon as I was heading out to lunch.

I was rushed by ambulance to Suburban where they almost immediately took me back for and emergency C-section.

She looked great, great color, muscle tone, and she was chubby! In fact her 10 min apgar score was 9!

We knew that this little girl was a fighter when we were told she already weighed 3 lbs. 2 oz. at only 28 weeks. And  she kept trying to kick and push the doctors hands off of her. lol

JR and I kept being called into the NICU by the new doctor on shift, telling us that we need to come up to NICU.

Near midnight our sweet little baby’s heart rate was still booming but her blood pressure (58/23 – 18/9)and O2 saturation (8-51%) was going extremely low.

After being hooked up to numerous medication pumps, blood plasma transfusion, countless jabs, and even morphine that I ask that she not be given. Along with our “pulling of the plug” encouraged several times throught the night. The doctor took it upon himself to turn off all our daughter’s medicines and ventilator himself.

After her brief visit of only 9.5 hours, Princess Gianna Marcelia Marie passed last night a bit after midnight.

Holding her perfect tiny lifeless body was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever experienced, though it was also the most confusing and painful. This was the first of sleepless nights we plan to endure as we learn to cope with this great loss. My heart breaks this morning as JR and I watch this beautiful sunrise from my hospital room, knowing that it’s just one of many beautiful things that our precious daughter will never have the chance to experience with her mother, father, or siblings.💔

Thank you in advance for prayers for our family.

Funeral arrangements will soon be announced.

Donations to help with her unexpected funeral service/end of life medical care will be greatly appreciated.

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