Tag Archives: Grief

I’m Sorry

I let you down, I know I did.

Both of you, all of you.

I wish I could have done something to save her, anything. But all I did was sit there, not doing anything & not knowing what was wrong.

Not believing what would happen.

It was the happiest I had ever seen you, even to this day. All I heard was that this was all you had ever wanted. And how you wouldn’t pick anyone else in the world to be your child’s mother, I was perfect.
We were perfect.

This was perfect.

Coming to the hospital while I was in labor to see our daughter. You expected to see this beautiful little girl, with her pretty brown curls, wrapped in her blanket and pink hat.

I let you down.

The first time you saw her was dying in the NICU, after the doctor has already began her end.
Not knowing what was happening to her, and I was sure that my prayers would “work”, All I could think about was how mad you must be at me to have allowed this happy moment to be ripped from you.

I let her down. I didn’t save her.

I let you down. I didn’t save her. Our sweet baby girl.

I didn’t save us.

The “I should have…” and “If I had only…” thought invade every thought of her, of us. Maybe if I had only done this one thing, or said this one thing, then you would be running around the house with your gmfirst born child right now.

The past year this has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. How could I ever be good enough again, how could I ever make you happy again? I let your daughter, who, as a mother, I was supposed to protect and do anything I can to protect, die.
Every fight, every disagreement…this is what I feel like it comes down to. I’m not worthy of either of you. And I have tried the past year to do whatever I can to make it up to you.
It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t possible either.

We both hold resentment for the whole situation. I allowed her to be taken.

I crushed your dreams & you (we) haven’t been the same since. Every day all I see is black and white, no matter how I try to hide it, I’m destroyed at the pain I’ve seen you both go though, the pain I feel I could have prevented.

My precious child, I’m sorry I couldn’t save your life.

My love, I’m sorry I couldn’t save us.

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You’re There


You’re there in the sweet smell of the first daffodils of spring, and I hear your footsteps in steady soothing beat of rain.

You’re there in the warm sand of the beach, as the waves hit the shore and lightly dance over my feet.

You’re there in the cool autumn breeze that playfully rustles the dry leaves on the trees.

You’re in each perfect and beautiful snowflake falling down from heaven to melt upon my cheeks, it’s then that I feel your sweet kisses.

You’re there when I wake, I welcome your morning hugs in each warm and radiant sunrise.

You’re there at the end of my day, your beauty colorfully painted across the sky with every fantastically golden sunset.

I treasure these moments that you show yourself to me and reach into my soul to give it a hug.

Although you’ve gone to heaven I know each time I speak your name you will always remain right here in our world.

And each time I think of you is a reminder that you’ll stay right here in my heart. We love you, Gianna!💕

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Christmas Without Her


(Happy Birthday…) Jesus, today is tough as hell!! The past few days were hard as well, seeing women that I was pregnant with celebrating Christmas time with their babies.

It’s not really like I can talk to anybody today about this empty spot I have in my heart because today is supposed to be such a joyous, happy, and blah blah blah day.

Well, you know what, I’m just not feeling it! Today was supposed to be Gianna’s first Christmas and in just four days she would be nine months old. The cute little Christmas outfit I bought her earlier this year will never be worn. It is still hung in my closet. A tiny rose gold taffeta skirt and glittery rose gold Mary Janes. With an adorable matching shirt with a golden deer with antlers that is printed with the words “Ohh Deer!”. Ohh how I pictured it on her just 9 months ago, envisioning her crawling around and so happy while she celebrated her first Christmas. She will never get to wear it.

365 days days ago she was warm and cozy in my belly while we took advantage of all the Christmas sales as we shopped for her first year of clothes and necessities. Never imagining for minute that they would never touch her beautiful skin.

While her three sibling have already witnessed the splendors of Christmas morning, open the gifts that Santa left, and left for a relatives Christmas dinner. My heart is broken into a million pieces and feel like I’m on this road alone, no one understands my pain and what I’m feeling today and certainly not a soul to talk to about it. It’s such a heavy burden to carry alone, I feel that even those who were involved have moved on. Not that I would even want to call these people and “bring them down” with my seemingly never ending grief. And the rest of the world has just gone about it’s frivolous spending,  self-centeredness, and fake smiles. While I am sat here alone with 3rd glass of wine, praying that my baby girl come back to me, if only in my dreams.

It’s all that I have room in my heart to ask for this lonely Christmas Day.

Merry First Christmas in Heaven baby girl, I hope your Christmas up there is everything and more than we could have given you here!

**Thank you so much Aunt Penni for this beautiful Christmas gift, it means the world to me today!! I love you!**

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One Month

  
You would have turned one month old today.We would have celebrated your little mile stone in the NICU, just as we would have celebrated each week before.

I would have been at the hospital every day the past 30 days, changing you, dressing you, feeding you. 

The kids would have helped me to decorate your incubator with photos of your daddy and I, drawings from your siblings, a pretty sign with your beautiful name on it. (A very special name that daddy and I took months to come up with)

Not too long ago I would have started kangaroo care, holding you against my bare chest, your little curl covered head resting over my heart, comforted by each beat. Reminding you of the warm and cozy time spent in mommys belly, when you heard the same pulsating rhythm from inside of me.

The doctor and I would be discussing the things you would be working on in order to get you home in the next couple weeks. 

Suckling, maintaining body temperature, jaundice. But I know you’re strong, a fighter, this would be nothing for you.

Your room would be ready for you when you got home. All your blankets, and stuffed animals from your brother and sisters, your art work and pretty crib would be the same place it was the day you were born.  Instead of now being stowed away in the dark and dusty attic.

I miss you every day, and while this past week has been especially difficult I can’t help but think about how our lives would be so different if you were still here with us. What our schedule would be every day, the things you would like, the sound of you cooing, the sweet way you would cuddle curled in my arms sleeping with me, and how cute you would look while you slept.

I know this will continue and possibly get harder sometimes, especially when your birthday comes around. I’ll try to hold back my tears baby girl, but that is something that I’ve never been very good at. Just know when you see me cry, my tears are my love for you. 

And they will never run out.

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Beautiful Things

 Today was bittersweet.

A mix of emotions.

Sad that she is gone but glad to have her home.

She near us for me to talk to when I think about her, for her brother and sisters to talk to and hold. Today I have her home, near us every day, while it may be on our mantel and not safe in her bassinet like I would like, I have her home. It’s the path we’ve been given to walk and no matter how bumpy and broken and terrifying it is, we must walk it.

So today I’ll take my baby girl into my hands and smile knowing though her body is with me, her beautiful soul is in heaven waiting for Mommy to come take her hand so we can continue the walk down our path.

 

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Smiles and Sunbeams

  
I wish I had done more for her, seen the signs, spoke up. It’s my job to protect her, that’s my only job. Sometimes I feel like failed her, her father, her siblings. But I know I can’t think like that, it will get me nowhere but a deep and dark hole. 

I know we miss them terribly but we can’t beat ourselves up. I like to think that they are smiling down from heaven happy that we can be strong, happy when we smile thinking about them, happy when we reminisce on their ninja kicks in our belly, happy that even though we would have liked for their time with us to be longer, meeting them was the best day of our life.💗

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Run Away With Me

All I want to do is run.

It’s been a long 3 weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born, 22 days to be exact. So I’m not able to run my frustration and anger away. But believe me, when I’m able to get out there to the park and let my feet hit the pavement that’s exactly what I will be doing. I know it will help me so much – time alone, time to think, time to exert some of this energy.  Processing the hurt and releasing some of the pain.

Nothing sounds better then letting all my thoughts and feelings and loneliness drip out through each pore. Allowing my body to cry as my eyes have been, it’s seems they’re never out of tears. The pain in my chest with each deep breath, a constant stitch in my side, the ache in my thighs almost reaching the raw ache of my heart as I finally culminate my run.

I’m a glutton for punishment so this all sounds perfect to me. Giving me a sense of being alive. But also the feeling of pain much like the feeling of grief we must endure. For we are earthy humans and not yet heavenly angels.

I look forward to this private time with Gianna, with a God, and with nature. I look forward to the healing it will bring me. Speaking to them both, without saying a word. Letting them into my thoughts, letting them speak to me. Allowing me to comfort her, God to comfort me, and letting me find some peace and strength hidden in this loneliness, allowing me to quietly search for any sense hidden within this unnecessary madness. Though mostly peace and guidance to help the others, her father, her sisters and brother. To help guide them, to be their support, to teach them how to comfort and be there for each other. For Jesus himself grieved and responded to the grief and loss of those around him. This will allow me to show strength and help me feel in control again.

But until then, until I can run, I will write.

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Gianna My Love


Those of you who know me, really know me, were so excited a couple weeks ago when JR and I announced that were expecting a child in a couple months.Just entering my 28th week of pregnancy I was shocked when my water broke at work yesterday afternoon as I was heading out to lunch.

I was rushed by ambulance to Suburban where they almost immediately took me back for and emergency C-section.

She looked great, great color, muscle tone, and she was chubby! In fact her 10 min apgar score was 9!

We knew that this little girl was a fighter when we were told she already weighed 3 lbs. 2 oz. at only 28 weeks. And  she kept trying to kick and push the doctors hands off of her. lol

JR and I kept being called into the NICU by the new doctor on shift, telling us that we need to come up to NICU.

Near midnight our sweet little baby’s heart rate was still booming but her blood pressure (58/23 – 18/9)and O2 saturation (8-51%) was going extremely low.

After being hooked up to numerous medication pumps, blood plasma transfusion, countless jabs, and even morphine that I ask that she not be given. Along with our “pulling of the plug” encouraged several times throught the night. The doctor took it upon himself to turn off all our daughter’s medicines and ventilator himself.

After her brief visit of only 9.5 hours, Princess Gianna Marcelia Marie passed last night a bit after midnight.

Holding her perfect tiny lifeless body was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever experienced, though it was also the most confusing and painful. This was the first of sleepless nights we plan to endure as we learn to cope with this great loss. My heart breaks this morning as JR and I watch this beautiful sunrise from my hospital room, knowing that it’s just one of many beautiful things that our precious daughter will never have the chance to experience with her mother, father, or siblings.💔

Thank you in advance for prayers for our family.

Funeral arrangements will soon be announced.

Donations to help with her unexpected funeral service/end of life medical care will be greatly appreciated.

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