Tag Archives: loss

I’m Sorry

I let you down, I know I did.

Both of you, all of you.

I wish I could have done something to save her, anything. But all I did was sit there, not doing anything & not knowing what was wrong.

Not believing what would happen.

It was the happiest I had ever seen you, even to this day. All I heard was that this was all you had ever wanted. And how you wouldn’t pick anyone else in the world to be your child’s mother, I was perfect.
We were perfect.

This was perfect.

Coming to the hospital while I was in labor to see our daughter. You expected to see this beautiful little girl, with her pretty brown curls, wrapped in her blanket and pink hat.

I let you down.

The first time you saw her was dying in the NICU, after the doctor has already began her end.
Not knowing what was happening to her, and I was sure that my prayers would “work”, All I could think about was how mad you must be at me to have allowed this happy moment to be ripped from you.

I let her down. I didn’t save her.

I let you down. I didn’t save her. Our sweet baby girl.

I didn’t save us.

The “I should have…” and “If I had only…” thought invade every thought of her, of us. Maybe if I had only done this one thing, or said this one thing, then you would be running around the house with your gmfirst born child right now.

The past year this has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. How could I ever be good enough again, how could I ever make you happy again? I let your daughter, who, as a mother, I was supposed to protect and do anything I can to protect, die.
Every fight, every disagreement…this is what I feel like it comes down to. I’m not worthy of either of you. And I have tried the past year to do whatever I can to make it up to you.
It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t possible either.

We both hold resentment for the whole situation. I allowed her to be taken.

I crushed your dreams & you (we) haven’t been the same since. Every day all I see is black and white, no matter how I try to hide it, I’m destroyed at the pain I’ve seen you both go though, the pain I feel I could have prevented.

My precious child, I’m sorry I couldn’t save your life.

My love, I’m sorry I couldn’t save us.

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6 months & a Lifetime.

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It hurts just as bad today as it did on March 30, 2016.
I’m just better at hiding it now, for the sake of other people…to make them more comfortable. Cause God knows it hasn’t gotten easier, I’ve just adapted.
My mind hurts, my body hurts, my heart and soul still ache.

Today my sweet girl would have been 6 months old.

All these stuffed animals that sit atop my bedroom mantle would be played with by her, instead gathering dust.
Most of the cute clothes that still hang in the back of my closet she would have already grown out of.
She would be getting her first tooth and would be drooling all over everything in sight.
She would have been sitting up and already saying “dada” which I know would have made JR the happiest man on the planet.
If she’s anything like her oldest sister she will start walking soon and would hear those little feet pitter-pattering all around the house

I really don’t think that people understand what it means to lose a baby.
Yes she was only 1 day old. But I also lost the 6 month old that she would be today.
I will lose the little girl with big brown eyes and bouncy curls turning one year old.
I will lose the 5 year old starting kindergarten and losing her first tooth.
I will lose the 8 year old needing help with her homework.
I will lose the 13 year old who is sick and still wants to cuddle with her mama.
I will lose the 16 year old learning to drive.
I will 18 year old leaving for college.
I will lose her getting married and having a baby.

We lost it all.
And I will continue to lose her every minute of my life.
But I also must remember that nothing in the life is truly mine.
Everything belongs to Him. And though we already know we can lose anything at any moment, that will never prepare us…we still will grieve forever.

We love you sweet Gigi!

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I Grieve Because I Love You

  In the short three weeks since I lost the most precious piece of my heart I have learned a bit about grieving. I have learned that it’s a long road and it changes daily. That no one grieves the same and that it can creep up on you at any moment. But I couldn’t have explained it as well as Pastor Bob Guffey Jr:

Grief Has No Rules: Some Sentences about Grief

Robert W Guffey Jr

April 20, 2016 

I wrote these sentences to share in closing at a funeral recently and was asked to pass them along. You’ve likely heard something like this but, if you are like me, reminders are helpful. Grace and peace, 

As you go from this place, please remember that grief has no rules, and that is okay. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You will read about cycles of grief and phases of grief, but, in practical reality, there are no rules. That is the truth. There are many different feelings that will pass through you, some more intense than others, but just because you have felt one way for a while, then feel a change that prompts you to think, “Oh good, I am done with that,” do not be surprised when, on her birthday, or yours, five years from now, you feel odd and unsettled. Just as you wonder what is going on with you, your soul will remind you – “Oh, yes. Hello, Grief.” Grief will be, as one of my pastor-friends wrote in the season after both our mothers had died, your “most unexpected companion.” 

Grief is real and a sign of love. Most of us do not grieve those we have not loved. Because that is true, perhaps we can see grief as a gift as it reminds us, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely, of love. 

Grief, because it is a sign of love, can become a cause for gratitude for it prompts us to remember what was best about the person’s life and to thank God that her life continues in manifold ways in God and in those who loved her. 

Grief can become a way we honor those we have lost. Doing the hard work of grieving and not running from it is a way of saying the person mattered, the loss matters, and our desire to heal matters, too. 

Grief tells us we are human, but being human is who God created us to be – and only a little lower than the angels. 
It is okay to grieve as we celebrate. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the one we have loved. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the healing that has come to her. We say THANKS BE TO GOD for the gift from God she was, and is. 
We thank God for those we love and have lost.

We thank God for today.

We thank God for the life to come. 
In all things today, let us say:

Thanks be to God.

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